Caffeine driven ramblings...

Jacob, go back upstairs, lay down and go to sleep!

But I don't like naps.

Well, mommy does. And today her needs come first. Go to bed.

But I'm poopy!

Are you kidding me?! For the second--second--time today, that child pooped in his underwear. I am at a complete and total loss as to what to do. He had the whole "going in the toilet" thing down. He had it. He. Had. It. No accidents for weeks. Then, outta the blue, he starts refusing to poop in the toilet. Not one single book on child rearing, potty training, not killing your children, mention this phenomena. Then again, none of those books have a chapter labeled, Jacob Connor--the Child Who Will Test You To Your Very End.

It just seems like more and more on a daily basis I'm feeling like a complete and utter failure in this mom thing. I know no one expects me to be perfect, but most days I don't even feel like I'm doing my best. I still hear my dad's voice in my head, "Yeah, that was okay. But there's always room for improvement." Honestly, most days it's all I can do to just keep up with these two brilliant children I've been given--forget about staying a step ahead of them. And there's just no way that can be "my best."

Just a little while ago I came across this in a post from 5 Minutes For Parenting. The mom blogging today wrote: "I am a mother with chipped edges and missing parts, a mother without a map who wonders if she should retreat rather than forge ahead. I am a mother with no clue if I’m doing all right or if I am destroying my children with my temper tantrums."

Yeah, sort of sums it up right there.

My son rarely gets balanced meals--though I do use the jelly that's just fruit so that's like smooshed up fruit on that PB&J, right? I know that my 10-month-old is supposed to be eating far more solid foods than she does, but I can no longer sit there for hours at a time coaxing her to eat--not when I need to keep her brother from wiping syrup hands all over my shirt that was clean two seconds ago. I feel like I spend far too much of my day reprimanding instead of encouraging.

Yesterday afternoon I found myself unable to recall if I had brushed my teeth or not. I honestly do not recall the last time I had a haircut. I simply cannot make it out of the house when the haircut places are open to go sit and get a haircut. Because that's all that you do when you get a haircut. You sit. I no longer have the luxury of single tasking. Even now--I'd love to be laid out on this couch taking a nap, instead I'm listening to Jacob stomp around upstairs to where he has been banished, both washer and dryer are in full swing and Husband is snoring over the baby monitor.

And the snoring reminds me that we are so not a normal family. The new schedule the county adopted back in February was supposed to make our lives easier. 4 nights on and 4 nights off. Sounds like a perfect schedule, right? But here's the thing. No one is upholding their end of the bargain. There's still court days scheduled on days off. There's weeks here and there where Husband teaches--at least then he's home at night all week. Except when he teaches at night and then I'm left alone for over 24 hours--outnumbered by short ones. And then there's the two days of bomb squad training every month. And mandatory working of the Nascar races when they're in town. And the state fair. And last night when he had to go in an hour early for briefing--leaving me to the arduous task of getting two small, strong willed, children fed, bathed and into bed all by myself. In fact, since the implementation of this schedule, we have only had one or two weeks where the system worked.

So, we're stuck in sort of a catch 22 situation. Husband really wouldn't be happy on any other shift. Neither would he get paid the overtime he's paid for court appearances--because then it would just be part of his regular work day. But I'm tired of sleeping alone. I'm tired of parenting alone. I'm basically just tired. I think my last truly good night of sleep was sometime the summer of 2004.

I feel like I should end this with something profound...if we shadows have offended and all that, but I got nothin'. Besides, right now I have a date with a 3-year-old and a mummy movie--that I've only seen a gazillion times!