For some reason the most difficult birthdays to get through have been the 5's--25 and 35 in particular. Not sure about 15 and I really don't remember too much about 5. Turning 30 didn't phase me in the slightest--just sort of breezed right through it.
Not really going to go into all of the reasons 25 was so traumatic. It involved self-made drama and a sabotaged relationship. Being friends with Jose Cervo probably didn't help matters now that I look back.
I welcomed the end of my 35th year with moping and self pity. 35! The end of my early 30's and the start of checking that age box on surveys with 36-40 beside it. I looked and searched and simply couldn't find anything worth celebrating. This is what my introspective detective work found--a 35-year-old female who, although she has traveled the world over and actually has a college degree, possesses virtually no viable job skills with a resume that looks like it could double as the yellow pages. I remembered that I had all of these things that I still wanted to do with my life. Dreams of being a globe trotting documentarian. A journalist with a by-line. Someone with a paycheck.
And I forgot. I forgot that on that time line of our lives it's the long lines in between the dots that matter. That's where life happens. That's where the stuff that matters is. The dots indicating our accomplishments? Merely dots.
After a long day of wallowing in my self pity I decided to just go to bed. Go to sleep and deal with my sad, pitiful life in the morning. On my way upstairs I stopped in and checked on Jacob. Like I do every single night. Check to make sure his blankets are on. Check to see if Kitty is still within reach. Check to see him breathing. And as I stood there watching my baby boy sleep--he's so peaceful when he sleeps--it dawned on me that maybe, just maybe, this was enough. There right in front of me was my life. Everything I am. Tucked under a fleece blanket and a handmade quilt. And it was enough.
Yesterday morning that little boy came downstairs, Kitty tucked securely under his arm and hair all in bed head splendor. A huge 3-year-old hug and a "Happy Birfday, Mommy". It was enough.
For the first time in my life, I am content to stay within the lines.
9 comments:
Awesome thoughts!
Funny how these lines and dots move about.It is so lovely to watch our children sleep and count your blessings.
However, there is still a lot of your life left yet, you must still make time for your dreams.
It's tough being of a certain age and finding that you don't have certain things to show for it and it definitely counts in the job market, if that is where your ambition lies. I raised two kids and did a lot of volunteer work, but it added up to nothing when I went to look for a job. I had to start from scratch all over again. But then again, I was divorced, which I don't think you will be.
I hear you on this as I turned 38 this year and wondered some of the same things. AND came to the same conclusion.....NOTHING beats being a mom and having that kid wrap his arms tight around your neck!!! You are their hero no matter what you have accomplished in life!!!!
Lovely post; a real tear-jerker!
Suburbia, you are right that life isn't over yet! This was more a post on being content and wanting what I have--not on giving up my dreams and aspirations.
I always thought that my life would be over when I had children. But that's not the case--it's just radically different and the same things simply do not hold the same importance. And here I am writing a post within a post!
I truly feel so sorry for those that constantly yearn for something bigger, something better. All the while they neglect to notice the joy that surrounds them. I may never have money to burn, luxurious vacations, the finest clothes, and all the prestige in the world. However, I am filthy rich when it comes to happiness and my bank of precious memories is overflowing. For me, too, this is enough.
I think 50 is the only birthday so far that's really caught me unprepared. There was something about turning a half-century old that seemed so...WEIRD! HA! A belated Happy Birthday to you, my fellow inbetween-Christmas-and-New-Year birthday baby! Here's a 55 year old hug for you!!
((((((((((HUG))))))))))
Snicker...I forgot to say when you mentioned being friends with Jose Cuervo, I thought, "Now, who is that famous person?!" DUH! What a dork I am, hahahahahaha!
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