Monday, May 12, 2008

I thought I'd stick with the kitty motif I had going--sort of symbolic feline bookends.

I have a cup of tea (decaf Constant Comment) sitting in front of me. One of many, many cups of tea consumed over the past several days. Husband teases that it was all those years around the British that instilled the notion that tea cures all. Well, it does! And this cup of tea is about to accompany me and my book upstairs. But I wanted to write this. I shared the bad and it's only fair that I share the good.

I am worn out. I am waterlogged. But tonight I'm also peaceful. I realize that it will be a long road back to finding the things that brought us together--the partnership, the laughter, the sharing of a life. But we've taken those first truly difficult steps. And we've taken them together--as partners.

It's a hard, hard thing--the admitting of a wrong, An even harder thing; the asking for forgiveness. It's so much easier to just go along playing the injured party, all the while ignoring the fact that this person walking beside me is hurting and that my actions or lack there of are a large source of that pain. This person who means more to me than the air I breath. This person who has withstood my verbal onslaughts time and time again. And yet he has remained by my side and has loved me.

I mentioned before that he is a super hero . Here's the proof. I have never been an easy person to live with--all of my boarding school roommates can attest to that! I will always want my own way. I am far too stubborn and opinionated. I yell too much. I get cranky when I don't get enough sleep--which means I'm constantly cranky. I speak without thinking and I'm far too bossy. I have an annoying tendency to dogmatically believe my way is the right and only way. I also tend to argue without all of the facts. But the worst fault of all--I have allowed the love of my life to feel taken for granted, unappreciated and unwanted.

I don't believe in soul mates, neither do I believe that one person completes another. However, I do know that a future without this man in it would be dull and gray and lifeless. And that is no future that I want.


Gina said...

Wow, Dori, that was some very personal stuff you shared, but I know saying it out loud helped you account for those feelings and issues. How strong and brave you are for acknowledging your short comings to not only yourself, your husband, but anyone who reads this blog. You are right, now you can move forward together as partners. I know we don't know each other well and it's not like you need my approval, but I am all for working things out with the love of your life. Growing together is what will keep you together and growth takes acknowledgement of the things that are wrong within us or things we need to work on while also acknowledging and embracing all the RIGHT things within each other. You both are truly lucky to have that need/desire/want within both of you to make it work. Good Luck! Warmest thoughts coming your way!

Dori said...

Funny, the author of the "Diarrhea Diaries" calling my stuff "very personal"! :)

Fortunately neither of us ever claimed to not have issues and we had also seen each other's "ugly" side well before we got married.

Besides--who reads this other than like five people?! The important thing is that he reads it. I couldn't not post something after going off on him in the previous post.

Thanks for all the thoughts, Gina!

Anonymous said...

Well Girl,
If you went off on your husband, you obviously did it in a very covert way, cause I never picked up on any tension between the two of you until you spelled it out in your second to last blog :o)

As for getting personal, I was's your blog, which makes it automatically personal, eh??!! You should say what you need to say! ALWAYS, at least in my opinion....even if it is you've had diarrhea for the last six months. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
Anyway, I'm just babbling my butt off here, NO PUN INTENDED.

TTYS and I can't wait to see some pictures of the baby. I've only seen one, maybe two. Jacob is such a cutie and looks so much like you.