Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Still still moving to me...

Last night I think I enjoyed the best night's sleep I've had since summer of 2004. Yes, I remember. I got pregnant with Jacob in September and my nights have been restless ever since then. Even on the rare occasions I'm away from my children for the night--I toss and turn because my routine is different and I feel all discombobulated. Not because my children define me--far from it--more because as a parent of two younglings I find myself in "survival" mode most of the time. Just trying to keep up. And when I'm given respite, I find I don't downshift fast enough to allow myself to truly relax.

For the past two days and nights my children have been soaking in quality grandparent time. We drove out to Kimbilio Monday morning and at the end of the day, once both were bathed, bedtime storied and put to bed I drove the hour drive home. By myself. Yesterday was a frantic day of housecleaning and errand running in 100 degree weather. Take out Indian food for supper. And then I crashed. Hard. The past three and a half weeks of single parenting combined with the past five years of living on little sleep. Even the animals recognized it was a sacred morning and remained silent. Exhaustion is a funny thing. Gone were the feelings of being out of sorts. Just quiet and restful sleep remained.

I miss my babies...even the chaos that comes with them. The house is far too quiet. I miss my husband even more--something terrible right about now. But over the years I've learned to be still. My soul needs that. Chaos will return soon enough.

8 comments:

Meadowlark said...

I am so happy for your tiny island of peace in a sea of chaos. Embrace it.

Peace to you, my friend.

Julia said...

Dori, what a beautiful post! I think you echo the sentiments of all of us LE wives that are kind of single parents a lot of the time. Parenting with a LE spouse is a whole lot different than "normal people" - you know, whatever those are.

Also, love the word discombobulated. I plan to use it in casual conversation the rest of the day. Just to throw people off.

Anonymous said...

Good for you. Take care of yourself.

MissKris said...

Oh, I SO hear you on this one, even at the grandmother stage in life of taking care of two little ones daily! Two such BUSY grandsons!!!! At least I have most weekends but this week we have Dylan overnite tonite so he can go somewhere special with Papa later today and they won't be back until early evening. Then, we're keeping the boys from noon Saturday until sometime Sunday morning so our son and his wife can have at least part of a weekend for their anniversary. It's going to be a loooooooong two weeks without my weekend shutdown! We have hot weather headed back our way too. Yippee.

Because of Love said...

I am glad that you are getting a little break! Enjoy it.

Suburbia said...

What a lovely post. I still need to learn to be still for my soul.

So glad you have caught up a little. I know what you mean about lack of sleep, from the day you become heavily pregnant that's it! No one ever tell you that! Though, now mine are so much older, I can have a peaceful night, and need to make the most of it until the time comes when they start to go out in the evenings with their friends, more sleepless nights wondering when they will come home, are on the horizon I fear!

Hope you see your Husband really soon.

Anonymous said...

I don't understand what you mean "my kids don't define me"...I think they do in a very good way. They made you a Mama..the most special thing in the world. And we are susposed to have those restless nights because we are keeping them alive.

But oh, the luxury of a full nights sleep...maybe one day I will know what that is like LOL.

Hope you enjoy!

Starlight

Dori said...

Starlight, what I meant is that I was a complete person before my children, before my husband. A Mom is just one of the many parts that make me who I am.

It turns out that Someone who can see the future knew I needed the rest! The remainder of the week was a BLUR of chaos and travel! And that good night's sleep is just a memory! Maybe I'll get another in another 5 years?!